How to Deal with Dutchies
In the upcoming weeks some or many of you will start your first Dutch lessons with Slim Radio. Hurrah! Mooi! You will finally be able to speak Dutch intoxicatingly! It’s so great that you have chosen to delve into a language that is not spoken anywhere else but in parts of the Benelux and Suriname (useful init?).
Excuse my blunt sarcasm, but if that hurt you and made your face go red, suck it up, because once you become conversationally fluent in Dutch many doors will open but these kinds of remarks will flow out of them. So as a precursor to Slim Dutch, I am going to give you a guideline on how to deal with the Dutch.
Dutch Birthdays
Ever been to a Dutch birthday party? If not, you are not missing out. Imagine coming into a living room where there is a circle of chairs and some food in the middle. That is the extent it will go. This may not occur as much within the student realm, but I sure as hell know if I go to my grandpa’s birthday party in buttfuck nowhere Almelo, that is the set up I will be getting myself into. Now there will be items of food on the table, but remember ONLY TAKE ONE. You can get more if they offer it, but if they don’t they probably wanna keep the rest for themselves just to stroke their frugal egos. Lastly and MOST importantly, remember to congratulate everyone for their friend/family’s birthday. Don’t know why that is the case, but just do it!
Dutch Humour
It’s pretty hard to explain Dutch humour, but normally if you are pretty satirical, politically incorrect, vulgar or shout jokes about an individual that is borderline insulting… you’re on the right path! A great starting point is Hans Teeuwen (Dutch Comedian) - please do be mindful that if your heart is faint, you will be insulted. Let me know if you do watch it, I would love to see your horrified faces. The thing is we tend to like to make jokes at the expense of others or ourselves. So my only advice is when a Dutchie pulls your leg, pull that fucking leg harder, rip into them, then get over it. This kind of banter is pretty similar to Aussies, it seems to be that everytime I meet people from down under we always get along pretty quickly because of it. Probably cause us Dutchies found that piece of land first (fuck you Brits we are the OG colonisers).
Dutch Swear Words
The infamous swear words of the Dutch language. The way we swear is pretty unique, I believe we are the only language that swears in this way. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, because you haven’t crashed into a Dutch biker yet, we love to use diseases and sickness. Now growing up, the word fuck, shit, bitch was thrown around a lot. In fact my mum’s favourite was motherfucker, which I always thought was quite weird to say to one’ own son. But, I digress, those typical swear words just don’t have enough power to them. So we thought it would be better to use words such as Tering (tuberculosis) or Kanker (cancer). Now these words are used to emphasise something. So if it is fucking cold, instead you say het is tering koud. Pretty simple right? Only thing to remember is tering is pretty acceptable to say to anyone. Just make sure you save Kanker with your close friends. Thank me later.
Dutch Shit Talking
One thing that the Dutchies love is to comment and complain. We are so good at it probably because we do it almost everyday. We love to complain about the weather - it's always too cold or too warm - we love to comment on how loud our upstairs neighbours footsteps are. We love to complain about pricing and love to comment on how weird your hair and make up looks today. We are the master-shit-talkers so if you wanna be able to deal with it start practising today! Don’t like that your neighbour parked their bike too close to yours? Knock on the door and tell them not to do it again. Someone has taken your garbage spot? Move their trash in front of their door. Enjoy this tolerable/intolerable bandwagon and you will begin to see a nice smile on your face. You say everything that comes to your mind, so that it does not linger in that empty head space of yours. Only then can you fill it exclusively with good memories and gezellig times.
So that is your quick rundown on how to deal with Dutchies, Good luck and tot volgende keer ouwe!
