Choosing Life When You Want to Die: A Letter to Mental Illness

Illustration by Mari Managadze

November 10th, 2022

Trigger warning: this article contains frank discussion of mental illness, including the self-destructive thoughts and behaviours associated with depression, body image, trauma, and suicide.

I don’t blame you… or me… for saying any of this.

It is no secret that mental health is a fickle thing, especially in our fast-moving, media-based society. It seems the more we look, the more we can find examples of stress, dissociation, self-hatred, and loneliness taking hold of the people we hold most dear to our hearts. It is easy to get down on ourselves, it is easy to feel like life is pointless, that it has no sense of direction… but when this feeling stays consistent, when it gets worse and worse, that is when we truly feel the effects of how much our mind can torture us.

Maybe you take the initiative and you reach out to someone, but you hear the same tired responses over and over again:

“It gets better, hang in there!”

“Oh haha, that’s such a mood/that’s so me.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“Get some sleep/workout/eat healthy, you’ll feel better” (although, that one is scientifically true to an extent).

Tired responses, and yet it is all we can say to each other when we are trying our best to make it through the day. I don’t blame you… or me… for saying any of this.

…Or maybe, nobody seems to care. Maybe they are angry at you for feeling like this, because how could you deign to hurt them in this way? But how could the people we love, our own family and friends, be mad we are hurting? Maybe it is self-reflection our parents cannot bear to take, as they realise the generational trauma that hurt them is hurting their child, too. “Grow up, if I dealt with it, so can you.” Maybe the people we love are the ones who can hurt us most.

I can find comfort in the good in my life

If I could talk to my thoughts, I would tell them: Fuck you. I blame you for taking away my childhood. I blame you for forcing me to grow up too fast and become “so mature”. I blame you for zapping my focus, dulling my passions, making every day a roulette wheel of emotions, forcing me to feel ashamed of my reflection. I blame you for giving me intrusive thoughts that make me terrified at what my brain can come up with, and I blame you for making me feel scared of talking to anyone lest they think I am annoying, ugly, or making it all up for attention. I blame you for halting my growth in a time when I needed it most. I blame you for making me feel like life is pointless.

But also, I am sorry you had to manifest at all. I am sorry you had to exist in a body and brain so young. I am sorry you were ever my only source of comfort. I am sorry I could not deal with you in the way you needed. I am sorry we have to live in this limbo with each other.

Most of all, I am so sorry if you have ever struggled with these thoughts, reader. So many people do every day, in every country and every environment you can think of. You are not alone, and you are not invalid if you are in a more fortunate position than others may be in. You are also not invalid just because many people struggle with your thoughts. Your experience does not have to be “rational” or “correct” in order for you to feel like this.

Picking up the pieces of our lives when they have been so needlessly shattered is an onerous task. The uphill battle mentally ill people fight every day in trying to get motivation to help themselves is an endeavour in itself (not to mention the lack of adequate mental health services worldwide). As time passes, I find my ability to deal with those thoughts waxes and wanes, but ultimately, I can find comfort in the good in my life. Maybe one day I will look in the mirror and realise I have not wanted to die in years, and the peaceful silence of night does not feel like an invitation to start overthinking. Honestly, I am not preparing for that to happen anytime soon… but having a routine for how to cope has helped so much. Simplifying your life and prioritising your happiness, taking a break from social media, learning new things, can all have a profound and unexpected effect when life feels terrible. I think everyone should have something to look forward to, no matter how small. Finding what works for you is the most important thing, but learning to be content with yourself is a slow process. I suggest we all start as soon as we can. Bundle up for winter and don’t forget to take your vitamin D… no sun is an absolute bitch. For now: I see you, and I love you.

It is my strong conviction that we need to be more honest about mental illness. However, if you feel like your thoughts overwhelm you to the point of breakdown, please remember there are ways to get help (as well as free/low cost options). Try to ask around, talk to your GP, professors, community figures, or look up ways to get professional help. I promise you, happiness is worth it.