It's Showtime, Folks!
Aleksandra made me watch this movie
After a night of guzzling beers, entertaining out-of-towners until they break north, and getting generally hammered, I decided (it was told to me when Aleksandra told him he had to do this for his article) that the perfect remedy to overcome the lasting effects from the night before was to watch the 1979 movie All That Jazz. This movie helped me understand the matters of ego and creativity. But it opened my Pandora’s box as it was a little too relevant to my own life. It left me with a sour face as if I just swallowed a foul tasting medicine without water. It even taught me how to not be an asshole - which if you were to ask my close mates, is pretty difficult for me.
So what’s the premise of the movie? You follow a womanising man named Joe Gideon who leads a chaotic life. He handles editing for an upcoming film and is also directing a Broadway musical. On top of that, he is a debauchery enthusiast, dabbling in all the vices that the world can offer. But he starts to rethink his past decisions and regrets when he gets a heart attack.
Throughout the movie you see him fall into a state of immense stress, which he counter balances it with pills, alcohol and a lot of cigarettes. Sadly he becomes a victim of the van Gogh effect - where he meets his fate but his last work is considered his best, and only then he gets his recognition and praise.
Now as I am creative myself, this effect is often romanticised in my mind. I often feel that the work I make is misunderstood and “ahead of its time”. Which I would argue is the reason why seldomly someone approaches me for my craft. I always thought of myself as an auteur in the making and I continue to preserve in the hopes that my dream will come true. I become a difficult person to deal with when I do fall into a trance of inspiration. Too often do I bluntly dismiss ideas that do not fall into my “artistic vision” and critique people with no shame and filter. I can already hear my ex’s voice saying, “You just don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything, it’s only ever about the beat, the bass, or your lyrics. How about me?! Or your friends?! How about your own life?!”. I always answered, “Don’t worry, this is the one.” Thinking that all this chaos I have around me will only make my work better and it will all be worth it.
But when I do reveal my work, it does not go as far as I would hope. With feelings of self-doubt creeping onto me and the stresses of everyday life and high inflation, I start to collapse. My ego starts to deflate like a popped balloon and the only way I can keep it filled is through my second love, vices. In times like this you’ll only see me in back alley bars, finishing two packs of cigarettes in one sitting. You’ll be able to find me in shady toilet cubicles with a random dude named Jean-paul, talking about how we can change the entire music industry with this new business model. Or starting arguments with my good mates about how they aren’t supportive (when they have been) only to get slapped. I must admit, I’m pretty unpredictable when I’m in this state of mind. It is not fun to be me when I am like this. Suppressing me real emotions and having to deal with it once the fun ends. It’s a moment of ego death, where I can finally see who I really am and what I really am made of.
The sad reality is that this destructive phase is so important for my creativity. It is only when I reach ego death, do I start to deconstruct the reality that is presented to me. It is only when I reach ego death, do I see people’s true intentions. It is only when I reach ego death, do I start getting multiple sources of inspiration to start my next work. Eventually, when I do come to terms with it, I start creating and the cycle continues.
That’s what made All That Jazz difficult for me to watch. When I saw Joe Gideon with his persona, I saw myself. He is so true to himself, never to stray away from his own values and beliefs. But these very things are what make him toxic at times but also what made his work considered great. It made me realize that great creatives are the ones that are most human. They are the ones that are so self-aware and are brave enough to show all of their different masks to the world. Which is also what makes them so prone to depression and the ugliness that life has to offer. This paradox is the cycle that Joe or I, fail and also thrive in. Although he has found his ending, whereas I have yet to do so. At the end of the day I still have 5 more years until I can apply to be part of the 27 Club.
