Antisocial Socials
Before I start my monologue about a recent thought I had, I want to invite you to take a moment and think about the following: does it feel more personal to you to give a person you just met your Instagram handle, or your phone number?
Even as I write this, I am burning to know what you answered and would love to hear your reasoning. This question came up for me when, once again (this happens quite frequently), a person I just met almost fell into a coma when I asked them if they wanted to have my number to stay in contact. Obviously, with the next question I was immediately asked whether I didn´t have any socials, which put me in the position of having to weirdly explain my love-hate relationship with social media. I do in fact have Facebook, which I do not use, same as my LinkedIn, and yes, for God's sake, I do have an Instagram account, which I rarely use. I do not personally feel the need to post anything on Instagram. When I do use it, I first have to search the platform on my browser, to then lose myself in doomscrolling for a while or to dig through a bazillion different DIY arts and crafts reels. In short, there is not really anything people can gain from following me there besides that they might, once in a blue moon, come across something I reposted, or shoot me a DM which, to their disadvantage, I will rarely respond to. Do you get what I mean now with ‘weirdly explaining’? I needed a whole paragraph to go through the why, the how and the what, and still feel like I sound slightly performative, as if I was personally attacking everyone that does post on Instagram. By the way, that is the last thing I am trying to do here.
Why do people feel like giving or receiving a phone number is so much more personal than exchanging social media handles? I do think that a reason for people to say their socials are less personal is because a lot of people portray a character online, not who they truly are. They perform, in an attempt to represent themselves in the best possible light. So, my guess is that if you give out your Instagram profile, it would be more akin to sharing a polished avatar version of yourself, one from which you will inevitably have some distance. In my opinion, though, giving someone the handle to your post-plastered Instagram is significantly more personal either way– especially if you actually strive to portray yourself authentically on the platform. I am mostly referring to a “normal person’s’’ Instagram, meaning an account mixing personal life updates, summer photo dumps, holiday pictures, or nights out with the girls, rather than a business or art account. Personally speaking, I do go through my followers and following list from time to time and sort out the accounts belonging to people I don’t remember, or people with whom I am not in contact anymore, or DJ´s who post way too many Instagram stories. If I get follow requests, I’ll only accept people I know, and even sometimes then I’ll refuse because I “know” you, but I don´t know you, if you get what I mean– case in point, my sister’s distant friend (why exactly do you want to follow me anyway?). Just the thought of random people following me without me sharing my life online feels uncanny, and I can´t imagine how it would make me feel if I were to regularly post about my life. Yes, this might be a bit dystopian, but your followers see your face, they know places you go to, they know who you are friends with, or which events you attend. Most people probably don't give a fuck, but then again, what is the reason for you posting all of that information in the first place? Maybe you do want people to care about what you do and acknowledge where you have been. Imagining that people would rather share their personal, online accessible Instagram photo album instead of giving out their number is hardly understandable for me.
After a long discussion with my roommate, I now understand that people might find it easier to stay in contact with others over Instagram if they have an active account. Besides, I think that it is quite frowned upon in our generation to give out our number, as people are immediately convinced that you have a romantic intention behind it (delusion at its best). I agree that a compliment under a post or a reaction to a recent story can make it easier to reach out to someone. These stories or posts also provide context for an easy quick conversation about the topic of the post. This definitely takes away the pressure, but also the effort, of having to actively think of a subject when reaching out to someone, as you may not recall a lot about their life to ask about, assuming they’re not a close friend of yours. In the end, the result is the same: you’ll be on their mind for, say, five seconds, only to be then forgotten again if you are distant acquaintances. I find it similar to briefly waving at someone while biking past them– yes, I bet it´s nice, and maybe they will forever remember you, but remember you for what? Is this possibly a way of holding open half-closed doors in case one day, maybe, you should need that person for something? Or merely because there is a personal necessity for receiving compliments back? Does a compliment from a person you met one time or a distant, distant friend mean enough to stick with you? Or does it give you a short serotonin kick? Is commenting on a post or reacting to a story really considered staying in contact?
On the other hand, it has happened to me a few times that I ended up giving out my Instagram to someone and, because I don't post anything and I don’t feature my name or face in my bio, people either forgot who I was, or we both eventually failed to reach out. Which brings me to another question: does it make me less visible in real life if I am not visible on social media? I assume that my friends with whom I actively stay in contact with over calls, texts, and/or in real life, would disagree. I think it does, however, make me somewhat invisible to new people I meet. Hear me out: imagine we meet at a ceramics workshop and chit-chat a bit throughout the two hours. We exchange Instagram accounts at the end, and you may be interested in what else I do in my life (imagine I only said one sentence about my hobbies in person), or, for whatever other reason, you would like to take a look at my Instagram. You see nothing; I have no posts, highlights or stories. The only thing you have is the memory of our chat at the ceramics course. You will then either decide that you don’t want to take any action, leading to, well, nothing, or you will have to reach out to me, if you don’t want to leave our encounter as a cute short moment in a ceramics workshop.
When I meet someone that has a striking personality or that I connect with, I will probably try and reach out regardless of whether they post or not, because I was intrigued by that person in real life and I have the urge and interest to see them again. Maybe this is unique to me, and I am aware that it can be hard and scary to build up the courage to just shoot a message. But above everything, this is what’s magical about real-life connections for me. I think of it as a natural filter: if I wasn't memorable enough for you, regardless of whether I post something of my life to squeeze myself back into your consciousness or not, I don't want to be reached out to. This is not meant to come across as arrogant or bitchy: simply, whatever you decide is fine with me.
I don't need to be remembered, befriended, reached out to, or complimented by every person I meet. Even when socials or numbers were exchanged in the heat of a real-life moment.
Footnote:
If you made it this far: I hope you find the courage to reach out to someone that you found intriguing and would like to see again. Not reaching out at all is 100% a no, while reaching out is a 50/50 chance of a yes. So, give it a try, my confident and courageous people!
