Keep your 'cool'. I'll have fun instead.

We are a generation plagued by a strange form of catatonia. We keep our feelings at bay, often subconsciously, in some skewed form of stoicism – one that’s made us masters of the suppression part, without ever acknowledging that of maximising positive feelings. Who could blame us? The world is harsh, the planet dying, each piece of news more soul-shattering than the next. This is how we protect ourselves. This is how we keep our hearts safe.

I do not want to preach ignorance, and I certainly don’t condone toxic positivity. But none of us are persistently in positions to inflict change on the state of the world or actively fight against injustice. This is only an invitation, an open call for us to allow ourselves to tap into that which is so incredibly easy to forget: joy.

Growing up, I’ve always been told to “tone it down a notch”. Expressions of passion became exaltation, sensitivity was seen as weakness. Being vulnerable and sincere was just an appeal for others to take advantage of my being open.

First I thought this to be gendered – as a woman, I feel constantly observed and scrutinised. Each look is a threat or judgement. Conditioned both not to appear overly emotional in order to be taken seriously and maintain politeness to deflect possible danger, all the while ensuring you’re not too nice – when push comes to shove, you wouldn’t want to send the wrong message. But ultimately it is all of us who are being told to build emotional fortresses and strengthen specifically curated façades. I would go out on a limb and say that even something seemingly untainted with this, like picking an “aesthetic” and identifying with it (sometimes to the point of extreme), is but a strategy to build yet another protective layer around our soft underbellies.

We are more concerned with appearances than ever before. You want to be the mysterious, collected individual, one that intellectualises and appreciates, that’s snarky at times and often cynical, signalling at some projected depth and exaggerated critical thinking skills. I just want to enjoy myself.

I can now see that most times that I’ve felt the pressure to pull back on something which felt natural and nourishingly positive, either out of guilt (for how can I be feeling good now, when there’s countless people suffering?) or simple fear of “looking foolish”, not only was I doing myself a disservice but also those around me who were probably feeling the same way. Because letting yourself to actually be in it is infectious, and the effects can be witnessed almost immediately.

The day I’m writing this had started out pretty rough – I overslept, my mood was foul, the cold rain was of no help in this, I spilled coffee all over myself in a public place, and survived a random comment laced with misogyny. But later on I felt something switched, and I let myself go.

Yeah, alright, I went to a show. For me somehow this always boils down to this exact circumstance, but please substitute it to anything else that brings you delight. I only bring this up to provide anecdotal evidence. Standing up on the venue balcony I was given a vantage point where all was visible, I had enough space to have fun, although at the expense of also being visible to everyone. There was a moment of hesitation (as always) yet soon enough I shook myself a little and realised it’s not worth giving in to the scolding voice that kept reminding me yet again to “tone it down a notch”. And boy, was it worth it. Not only because of the moments of fun themselves, but that which happened after the show was over. 

“Were you up there in the corner?”, I heard someone on my way out. “You’re just the most joyous person”. This was said with the most genuine affection. My having fun made someone else feel good too. 

This. This cannot be faked. Cannot be forced. So try to invoke it, but never push yourself too hard. Trust me, I’ve been there, ended up feeling bad about not feeling good or whatever. Instead, just look for the impulse. And hold on to that feeling. It’s so fleeting.

Skip down that empty road. Sing and dance in the kitchen. Say that compliment, and more importantly – take that compliment! Tell your friends you love them even if they think it’s embarrassing. Delight yourself in your enjoyment. You cannot predict the future, and you will likely forget this feeling. Worry not, it will reveal itself again – as long as you reveal yourself to it in turn.