Meet YOU in the Bathroom?
I met her in the Melkweg bathroom. Glittering, complimentary, stumbling– my new friend!
Perhaps just for one night. These substance-fueled conversations tend to follow the same formula: Where are you from? Have you been to this club before? Your outfit is serving! Despite the surface-levelness, the solidarity between femmes in the club bathroom is always a comforting presence. However, rarely do I expect these ‘one-night stand friendships’ to blossom into something substantial.
Surprisingly, two days later I found myself on a leaking paddle boat in the Amsterdam canals with my Melkweg friend. Defying the standards of Dutch scheduling, we decided to spontaneously meet up and try this ridiculous tourist activity together. A brief conversation in the club bathroom turned into an actual friendship. Who would’ve thought!
Despite having a circle of friends, it’s not uncommon for me to feel isolated here. The Netherlands is a country that is notorious for reported loneliness among migrants and international students. The Expat Insider 2021 survey ranked the Netherlands in the bottom for forming friendships with local people. Ironically, for one of the densest countries in Europe, it can be quite difficult to find friends.
How do passing moments turn into friendships? What is it about bar bathrooms that make them inviting for deep conversations? Is it the draw of private space, the break from jarring music and lights, the temporal lack of responsibilities, maybe the potential substance use? Inspired by my personal club bathroom escapades, I set out to hear stories of bathroom friendships and how they elevated beyond shallow conversations.
Adam proudly reported he met three friends exclusively in club bathrooms. In the first case, when what he called “your typical drunk dude”, came up to him at the urinal and asked who Adam was hooking up with tonight. Adam explained he had a partner and was just there to enjoy with his friends. Despite the somewhat sleazy introduction, he said that this conversation evolved into a lamenting heart-to-heart about relationships within only five minutes. They exchanged contacts. The next day, Adam texted him, “Hey, this is the guy you talked about relationships with in the club bathroom”. Unexpectedly, the sentimental club bathroom discussion formed the basis for an actual friendship. His two other stories followed a similar pattern: deep conversations in the bathroom, exchanging numbers, and then a sustained messaging effort. When asked what pushed these friendships beyond the superficial level, Adam said “I think it's just the level of conversation (...) From the start we didn't really allow ourselves to stay hidden or closed.”
Paulina doesn’t remember what was exactly said in the line for the club bathroom when she met her friend, but she does remember enthusiastically exchanging Instagrams before departing from the stalls. We all know the story– you meet some people at the club, exchange social media information, and inevitably unfollow each other within a few years as you never speak again. She revealed to me that unlike in most cases, the two of them actually started messaging each other right away. Soon, they started hanging out and became actual friends. “It’s really cool because it’s nice to meet people out in the open– not like meeting people online, or through friends of friends.” Without shared structured spaces like work or school, club bathroom friendships need to be sustained with effort and communication.
Another student from Athens shared her anecdote. “My favourite experience is that I was waiting in line at Stephen's with this girl, and they never have toilet paper in their bathroom," she said. "I just carry toilet paper on me, and I gave her a little bit of it, and we literally then sat and talked in the basement for like 30 minutes."
While we may never know what gives musty club bathrooms their existential charm, all of the interviewees maintained that opening up and putting in genuine effort was the most important part in developing their respective friendships. So hey, are you feeling lonely? Delete the dating apps and head to Melkweg with a bundle of toilet paper. You may just come out with a friend or two.
