POLYAMORY: A TRAGEDY IN TWO ACTS (I)

MAY 9TH, 2022

Illustration by: Kristel Jaago.

I’ve tried to write this article three times. At first it was a story about polyamory during covid. Then, going through the most turbulent break-up imaginable, I found myself unable to write about the merits of polyamory. Unhappy with an attempt at objectivity, I wrote about my regrets. Now, this is number four. A journal entry, unpacking the effect these past few months have had on me.

THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF

It’s been so long.

And now I’m just tired.

I’ve tried to write this so many times, and now I’m just going to put words on the page and hope for the best.

I’ve gone through the five stages of grief over the loss of us for months now, and every time I come close to an ending, you reveal something previously withheld, prompting this process to begin all over again.

These stages have never had a consistent order, but they cycled through all the same.

DENIAL

When you broke my heart the first time, that should have been the end of it. But no, it was just a mistake, you didn’t mean to hurt me, we can rebuild. 

There’s no way you would switch to monogamy for someone, that isn’t you. We aren’t over, there’s an amicable solution for everyone here.

The guy you’re monogamous with, he treats you badly. His communication style is incompatible to yours. Surely you can see that, surely you can see how this is unhealthy.

Why would you go back to him? If he says the things he says, if he does the things he does. Why should I worry about something so unlikely?

BARGAINING

Even if we can’t be lovers, I will try to be there for you. I will hold you, I will sleep next to you, I will be your break-up counsellor and my own. 

I want you in my life, I promise you will never lose me. 

I want to trust you, I want to believe you’re honest. We’ve talked about this, please don’t control information around me. Lies, even through omission, hurt more than the truth. 

ANGER

You were the person I would take my problems to, you were the help I’ve needed so badly in the past. You took that from me. You left me on my own.

If you’re done with me, admit it. I’ve fulfilled my purpose, I helped get you into Oxford, where you can meet a young yuppy to leave me for. Have the courtesy to let me go when you’re done with me.

You told me you’d be honest, that you’d let me in. Even if that promise was true to you, and I was asking too much, you still didn’t do it. Twice is a pattern, three times a behaviour. I won’t ask you to change. 

I don’t care who you sleep with, I never have. You didn’t care that hiding it was worse, even after we talked.

DEPRESSION

I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my sleep. I no longer eat. I’ve spent days staring at the ceiling, in bed with a cigarette hanging lazily from my mouth. 

The sadness permeated. In every moment that brought me joy, I stood in the shadow cast by my thoughts of you. As that moment passes, my thoughts fall on you once more.

Once, I lived for you. It’s hard to live for myself.

ACCEPTANCE

We are no longer partners.

We are no longer lovers.

You hurt me more than anyone or anything. You’ve become a different woman than the one I grew to love. If I can’t yet forgive you for the pain you’ve caused, and the love between us is lost, then, at least for a while, I need you out of my life.