POLYAMORY: A TRAGEDY IN TWO ACTS (II)
MAY 11TH, 2022
Illustration by: Kristel Jaago.
This is the response to the first part of this series about breaking up a polyamorous relationship. In response to Hal, Janine reflects on how not to act, being critical of her ex-partner’s mistakes as well as her own.
HOW NOT TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR (POLYAMOROUS) PARTNER
1. TRYING TO AVOID HURTING THEM
This one should have been a no brainer, but I still put in a spectacular performance of trying to be nice and caring during the break-up. News flash: it doesn’t work. It is also unhelpful to both of you. You don´t need to be the villain in their story, but have the decency to be clear, even when you don´t know what you want.
2. SAY WHAT YOU WANT, EVEN IF YOU DON´T KNOW WHAT THAT IS
Polyamorous break-ups will be messy because the lines are less clear. And there´s beauty in that. Going from anchor partners* to lovers or friends, rather than having to cut that person out of your life and frantically stalking them on Instagram is beautiful.
But it also means that things get messy.
You will think about the good times you had, and suddenly both of you are crying in each other’s arms declaring that you want to go back to being lovers. Long forgotten are all the reasons why the two of you decided to create more distance in the first place. This is the polyamorous pendant to “staying friends (with benefits)” after a break-up.
3. KEEP ON CHECKING IN
Most likely, neither of you will know exactly what they want, or if that even works. I for one, was going back and forth between what would work, what I wanted/needed, and what was possible.
Since you´re in a post-breakup momentum, you will be insecure, anxious, and confused. Your emotional brain likely wants to run back to the security of a stable relationship, however irrational and unfunctional that is. Keep on communicating with your (ex)partner. Maybe, one day, you thought lovers would be a great idea, just to realize the next that currently, you have no desire for physical intimacy with this person.
4. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS — AND KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES
Anchor partner breakups are hard. You’ve played such a central role in each other’s lives, maybe you were even co-dependent. Suddenly all this seems to be gone, but since you’re ‘reframing’ the relationship, no one knows the exact script.
You have every right to ask for support, but the other side has every right to deny this support. Likely, these things will change. You want to be there for your ex-partner, but then you realize that performing this level of comfort will send you down a mental spiral, the very same one that led you to breaking up with them in the first place.
Have the courage to say no, but be brave enough to ask for the things you need. I had a hard time with the latter, while I wish my ex would have more often enforced the former.
5. LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH HURTING THEM
This was the hardest one for me. During all this up and down, I always aimed at not hurting them. Trying to minimize harm. But that approach only leads to lies, miscommunication, and ultimately more damage than an honest answer would have done.
I get it, you love this person. You want to keep them in your life, as close as possible. Even if you can´t be partners anymore, you want to be there. You think hurting them will cause them to run away. You hate that you are the source of their harm because you’re used to being the one soothing it. But your shot at damage control will make things worse. Your brain will run to assumptions, most likely heteronormative monogamous ones.
You spent the last 5 years dismantling internalized monogamy, working on your insecurities — the whole polyamory workbook. But that won´t help you when they ask you to be honest and you feel like you can´t tell them that you just slept with someone else, while telling them days before that you do not feel physical at the moment.
Your brain is assuming the worst, relying on all the social norms it observed since High School Musical came out in 7th grade. Your anxiety will drive you mad, it will make it impossible to speak up and do the thing you so naturally used to be able to do; share information. The only way out of it is by learning to sit with the fear of hurting them.
Accept that you are going to be the villain. It will feel like dying. You are afraid of losing people. Sit with it. Breathe through it. You will survive. Think about your behaviour and write out what you need to do. If there’s one skill I admire about my mono-ex it’s his ability to meditate on his love choices. Your brain is running on anxious assumptions, so you can’t rely on autopilot. You will need to consciously engage with them.
6. LEARN THAT THEIR CHOICES ARE NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE
So what if she runs back into a monogamous relationship with a total narcissist and you decide to tell her that you won’t be able to support her as a close friend if there is no chance for physical intimacy?
Neither of these choices is about the ex-partner. They will feel to you like they are. You will read them as a statement about you. You’ll compare yourself to him and wonder how she could ever choose that above you. And she´ll wonder how much of your relationship was grounded in the physical.
In truth, both of these choices are a reflection of what the individual person needs at that moment. It´s not about you. It’s about their needs and worries. Resist the temptation to see it as a statement of your worth.
7. BE PATIENT
Your (ex)partner will end up making mistakes, messing up, and failing to do what they promised. They will need longer to open up to you or take more time to let go of you. Be patient. Their mistakes are rarely evil. Like you, they will be dealing with a lot, causing them to make mistakes they normally wouldn’t.
*Anchor partner = in polyamorous relationships that involve several parties, an anchor partner is the more central and lasting figure within the dynamic.
