How I Ended Up Working In The Red Light District
September 25th, 2022
Like any student that has chosen to study in the extortionately overpriced city of Amsterdam, there is always a constant hunt to find a job that pays well and requires little of your time – so that you can actually enjoy all the benefits the city has to offer. Luckily after searching down jobs like I was in SEAL team 6, I came across one that ticks off all the boxes. Through a sketchy ad found on Indeed, I decided to become a Red Light District Tour Guide. I handed in my resumé and thus began the waiting game.
After weeks of continuous job searching and picking up coins from the ground, I received a phone call from an unidentified number. I had an inclination that it must have been for the other jobs that I applied to out of desperation. I picked up the phone and instead I was greeted by a heavily-accented Dutchman that went by the name of Tony. “Hey David, I saw you handed your resumé in. Look, I just need people there right now so I’ll send the details and you better start learning.” He went on to explain about the finer details of the job including the pay, the route and how I needed a KVK company. His optimistic voice yet no bullshit attitude made the job sound even more enticing. I told him that I was ready to meet.
“I don’t even fucking feel like doing this, literally just had a shit group beforehand. You know how I deal with it? Two quick IJwit beers.”
Weird thing is, Tony does not even live in Amsterdam, and our community of tour guides are starting to think that he doesn’t even live in Holland. To this day none of us have met him in person or even know what he looks like. I told him that I was ready to start. He sent over the script and route information and I began what he called the “Training Process”. It sounds more daunting than it was, and I basically just had to remember a script and figure out some dates before joining one of the tours.
We had to meet in front of the Victoria Hotel across Central Station. I came early hoping to meet and speak with the guide to get some insights. What I quickly found out was that the group was still waiting for the guide - he was late. Eventually Michel came. He was badly dressed, messy haired, and had smoker's breath. I introduced myself to him and he bluntly asked, “Are you even Dutch?” with the plainest expression. Luckily I’m half, and I told him that I could speak it. His expression changed into a big smile like the cat from Alice in Wonderland. He started to open up and said in Dutch, “I don’t even fucking feel like doing this, literally just had a shit group beforehand. You know how I deal with it? Two quick IJwit beers.” I was a bit shocked by his attitude but he told me that one day I would understand. I was curious to see what kind of tour this was going to be.
What ended up unfolding was a very energetic man that was able to grasp the group's attention and had a great balance of humor and information. When he wrapped up the tour and went to each person individually, receiving a total of 100 euros in tip. I was inspired and ready to start my first tour.
Shortly after the end of the “Training Process”, Tony checked up on me and gave me the details of my first tour, he then quickly warned me that this type of tour is actually illegal, as tour guides are not allowed to bring people through the Red Light District, and simply said “Good Luck”.
It was a private one with an old American couple. I was slightly nervous – evading the police was not part of the job description on Indeed - but these people were so nice and proper it made it easier. I brought them through Zeedijk and told them about its No-Go-Zone Days where it was filled with heroin addicts openly shooting up. I joined them for a drink in a bar in Nieuwmarkt. I strolled them down the Red light District and convinced them to pay 2 euros for a closet in the dingy Peepshow. Lastly, I blazed with them in the world famous Bulldog Coffeeshop. At the end of the tour, I dropped them of at the Sex Museum and finally received my first tip, 20 euros. This type of demographic was common among private tours, so honestly that month was pretty tame. I viewed it as a month of practice.
But finally came the summer season. I was getting 3-4 tours per day, including weekends, working from 4pm to 12am with group sizes ranging from 4 to 15 people. I finally understood what Michel meant. Before my tours you could find me at a bar guzzling beers just to keep me going. Thankfully, at this point I was pretty comfortable with my abilities in evading the police, telling stories while not being charged with a GUI (guiding under the influence) and dealing with grumpy American tourists. But there was one tour that topped it all.
It was a group of 7 people, a couple of Germans, a few Americans and two Cubans. I noticed that the Cubans were a couple and it looked like they were in the midst of a divorce. I had to mediate the argument. They settled down, after 5 minutes of constant shouting. Finally we were ready to start our tour.
Lie after lie, I eventually gave in like the guilty criminal I was.
Everything was going smoothly until we reached Zeedijk. I noticed one of the American tourists was smoking a joint beforehand. When I stopped the group to tell the story, he fainted, hit his head on the curb and started to have a seizure. As any non-professional medical person would do in this situation, I googled what to do. It said just to leave him alone, so we did. Fortunately, he gained consciousness but he had blood dripping on the side of his head. I told him that I can stop the tour and bring him to the nearest hospital. He then somehow convinced me that he was fine, and we continued the tour with him still very much leaking blood. We reached Nieuwmarkt, where normally I mention how Amsterdam is actually the 5th safest city in the world. Suddenly, a man from one of the alleyways was hauling ass and two undercover officers tackled him to the group and arrested him. They pulled out drugs from his pocket, all the while everyone in the group looked at me like I'd been lying this whole time. I had to persuade them that I was indeed credible, and to assure them that this was a one time thing.
But matters turned for the worst when we reached the Red Light District. As I was explaining how in order to become a sex worker you have to sign into the chamber of commerce as an entrepreneur a group of police officers came around the corner and figured out that I was tour guide. They abruptly stopped me, pulled me aside and demanded to see my permit. I presented it to them and they looked like they were ready for another arrest. Now I’ve never had to lie to a police officer, but at that point I wanted to sleep in my own bed instead of a jail cell. I said that this was my first tour, unaware of this law, and that I’m an Indonesian student just trying to make a buck. They believed me and let me off with a warning, but now I had to deal with the group. They kept on interrogating me on why the police stopped us. Lie after lie, I eventually gave in like the guilty criminal I was.
I thought being honest was going to help me instead, everyone started to get angry. Telling me that I was dishonest, that this was all false advertising and that they want some sort of refund. I decided that I had to bring them to a coffeeshop, hoping they would get stoned and quiet down. We got to the Bulldog, where I recommended the strongest strain and my plan worked. At this point the tour was coming to an end, so I told the bloodied American tourist where the nearest hospital was and I bid my farewells. Heading straight into the first bar I saw, I got myself a pint to calm my nerves, checked the time and saw that I had 10 more minutes until the next tour.
