Physically Educated People

“A guy who was a freshman when I was a sophomore had an illness of sorts and couldn't walk because of it - he used crutches and needed help to get around our very-handicap-unfriendly school. The culmination of this general unfrendliness was when our PE teacher told him that being on crutches doesn't excuse him from the class and that he should at least run the warmup circles around the gym.” - Ode (Vršac, Serbia)

“My PE class had a theoretical component and we were quizzed on shit like formulae for stamina vs endurance or would have to pull up for a marathon with a cute transparent in order to be assessed for a communication part of that component (just myp things). apart from that we went jogging by the beach cause im a coastal child and my school was 5mins away from the sea so i guess that was cool” - Aleksandra 21 (Gdynia, Poland)

With our schedules, our dinner dates, our landlords, and our drugs, it's easy to trick ourselves into thinking we are adults making choices. We are in fact, nothing but the ghosts of our former childhood selves - we are walking spectres drifting into our futures as our true selves remain forever in one location. PE class. 

When you tell people you want to write an article about PE class because you think its interesting and, in your own words, ‘is an often under-discussed but central part of who we are, that is rarely mentioned in our liberal artistic circles’ the responses are not as engaging as you wish they were. But, as people get talking, it becomes clear that our PE stories reflect where we come from and who we are - whether your school gym was a muddy field next to some cows (mine) or the choice between as asphalt car park or a basement room with an incredibly low ceiling (like my friend who grew up in a small Italian town) PE class is an important fixed point in all our timelines. I’ve included some favourites throughout this piece.

“Softball was a sport for girls and unathletic boys. I was an unathletic boy but I could whack the shit out of a softball on a good day. One time I caught the softball in my big glove and in my ecstasy failed to notice the boy at first base run round and win the game. I had snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in a brief foreshadowing of adult life. -Tommy, Sheffield, England”

My own PE experience was fairly typical in some ways for any boy who grew up in the UK in the 2010s. Our secondary school was made of porta-cabins for two years (real ones know) which included the cramped temporary changing rooms where the more timid boys would get changed as quickly as humanly possible to avoid potential ridicule. When our school finally transitioned into a new building, we were provided with larger, more spacious changing rooms complete with showers which led to… antics.  

“PE is where I discovered butts are either hot or not. I 11 or 12 and during a PE class – where to warm up we had to run laps around the gym – I overheard a few boys commenting about the girls running in front of them. More specifically talking about their asses: who had the prettiest one, what made an ass good or bad, and giving ratings to make everything more professional. I was very confused. Who would’ve thoughts butts could be hot… not me. Sooser (23)” - from a little town in the North of Italy

My Sheffield based PE jounrey was atypical in the way that I spent my last two years of physical education essentially playing pool and table tennis. From anyone who understands the stereotypes of the North, it is not a good look that we count pool as a sport, and I’m still not sure who approved the purchase of half sized pool tables for a school. But, as it beat getting smashed into mud playing rugby with aggressive unskilled players every rainy Thursday morning, I accepted this physical education gladly. 

“My high school was blessedly untethered to money. For PE we had the privilege of choosing the location. Outside, a beautiful field of tarmac glistened in the sun, its uneven cracks and jagged holes a web of perfect imperfection, ideal for all sorts of sports that may potentially involve bodily contact with the ground. If weather did not permit, we had the option of the inside gymnasium, that is, the school basement. This quaint little room stretched a full 6m2, with a cozy low ceiling about 2m high. The comforting scent of teenage sweat permanently pervaded the walls that gave just enough surface area for balls to ricochet between them, oblivious to the faces that stood in their way. Ah the thrill of sweet purposeful pain. And of course do not fear, those who did not find these exertions appealing were alway free to take their smoke break instead” - Giulia MB, Orvieto.

Now after spending so much time with these PE stories, I walk around my neiighbourhood and see a basketball hoop, and I find myself thinking; wouldn’t it be fun to setup an amateur basketball league?  I look behind me and see my own ghost clutching a ratty drawstring PE bag I haven’t thought of in years. Perhaps this is the hero’s journey come full circle. I am closing the loop, and maybe, just maybe, I will be physically educated once more.

Thanks to everyone who shared their PE anecdotes with me. If you’d like to share your own, email us at slimpressinternal@gmail.com. For whatever reason, I still think this topic has potential and I’ll be working on a radio short about it.