The Five Fraternities: An Investigative Report into the Exclusive Dutch Societies
Part 2: Operation Hard Gelled Hair
December 20th, 2022
We sent our boy, our man, our very own Gonzo journalist, David Van Der Linde to investigate the most mysterious sect of youth society in our fair city: Dutch Frats. This is the second instalment of a three part report.
I decided it was time to get into the belly of the beast. The plan was to infiltrate one of the houses and events to gain more evidence on this enigmatic elitist society.
After my informant hinting that there is more to this whole thing than I thought, it planted an idea into my mind that eventually exploded like a bouquet of information grenades.I noticed that I have been observing these frats from a distance, and although I have been able to retrieve a good amount of intel through my reconnaissance missions, I decided it was time to get into the belly of the beast. The plan was to infiltrate one of the houses and events to gain more evidence on this enigmatic elitist society.
The first obstacle that I came across was the simple act of just entering one of the frat houses. Some would think that you can just knock on their door and hope due to their Dutch openness, they would just let you in. Well, that is NOT the case. In order to be able to step foot into their headquarters as an outsider, one can only be invited after the head Capos have given permission for such invites. Luckily, an informant (M) that I have known since kindergarten had the golden ticket.
He told me that he was invited to visit his cousin’s frat house in Leiden. I saw this moment as an opportunity to successfully infiltrate a notorious frat house. Through negotiated efforts and some convincing I was able to get myself the golden ticket.
Finally, Operation Hard Gelled Hair was greenlighted.
We started the mission at Den Haag and decided to bike to Leiden so that we could easily bypass enemy lines. I also figured, to hide my cover as an investigator into these cryptic societies I should look a little bit like these frat boys. We showed up to the three-story tall house with white button up shirts, leather pants shoes and an amount of gel that made our hair glisten under the sunlight yet was hard enough to be considered a helmet. M pressed the doorbell as I covered his six from cunning hazing tricks. Fortunately, there was no ambush from the hosts and M’s cousin innocuously opened the door.
We exchanged eye contact after this big mess, and I was worried he was going to ask me to clean it up. Instead, he yelled out “FEUT!”
We were welcomed to the typical steep Dutch staircases that led up. As we trekked up, I noticed that the lighting within the house got darker and darker. When we reached the main hallway it almost felt like it was night time with the dim ceiling lights around us and the lack of sun that got into the house. The ground was sticky from wasted beer that was dropped and has lingered since the beginning of this frat house. The toilet felt claustrophobic from all the old playboy magazine pages that would surround you. The kitchen was cramped with toxic masculinity and mouse traps placed at every hole found within the cooking stations.
As I was nosing around, I noticed a big tall Dutch frat boy making a mess in the kitchen. He was cooking pasta and the sauce was going all over the walls, the meat was dropping onto the floors from his aggressive stirring. As he finished up his pasta, he got a bowl out and suddenly everything started to fall. The bowl fell into pieces, the sauce was all over the ground and the food was nowhere near to being digestible anymore.
We exchanged eye contact after this big mess, and I was worried he was going to ask me to clean it up. Instead, he yelled out “FEUT!” – the Dutch word for calf, normally referring to a first year frat who has been assigned to a capo as a slave – Out of nowhere a shy first year came out, and the capo told him to start cleaning up after his mess. The feut got on his knees and started wiping, all the while the capo was smirking and making small sly comments about his cleaning. I felt bad for the feut but was glad I was not in his situation. However, I also noticed that the capo was occupied which allows me to continue on with the main objective of Operation Hard Gelled Hair.
I continued nosing around the back area of the kitchen that led me to a labyrinth of rooms. I noticed some rooms had doors, while others did not. I snuck my head around and found an interesting pattern. The ones with doors had large and spacious rooms, while the ones without doors were small and seemed like it housed two to three people in one room at certain points. I decided to return to my informant and his cousin to get some insights on this pattern, also most importantly to avoid getting caught and blowing my cover.
I rendezvoused back with my informants, and started to subliminally ask my questions. Luckily through association with M, the cousin was happy to answer me. He mentioned that one can acquire a big and spacious room once one starts moving up the food chain in the frat society. In the meantime, the feuts have to stay in these small rooms without any door. A feut can only acquire a door if he successfully seduces a girl back into his room and manages to have sex with her, all the while giving a bit of a show to the rest of the boys.
As the day was going by, I noticed that this would be as far as I would get. I was disappointed even though we did successfully infiltrate a frat house whilst staying under the radar. I still did not get to gain intel on the frat events. I thought that te operation was not a success and that all hope into my investigative report would come to an end.
As I was ready to abort the rest of the mission and deem it as a failure. I suddenly got a call from M. He mentioned a borrel that I could penetrate. I got my frat boy cover back on and I was ready to get right in the midst of it.
To be continued…
