FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT: UNRAVELLING PERFORMATIVE SEX
FEBRUARY 14TH, 2022
Illustrated by: Chris van Walsum.
Personal question: ever faked it? You know what I’m talking about. I sincerely hope you’re currently shaking your head, indignantly thinking “I’d never”. In reality, if you haven’t ever rustled up a faux ‘big O’ to hasten the end of a mediocre shag, you’re one of the few.
Most likely, your acting skills have branched beyond orgasms too — maybe you’ve exaggerated your enjoyment during sex or pretended to be into something that ‘everyone’ is into. (Choking?)
For many of us, we learn about sex through personal experience and media consumption: movies, magazines, erotic literature (Wattpad, anyone?), porn and even pop music. Through these mediums, we are constantly bombarded with all the ‘shoulds’ of sex.
We should show up for a shag lingerie-clad and hairless, and moan in ecstasy at the pat of a shoulder.
Sex should be kinky, lest (god forbid) we be labelled vanilla. Simultaneously, sex should be linear and culminate in orgasm. Frankly, such guidelines are exhausting and utterly useless, since if we attempt to follow them sex becomes a performance, devoid of real satisfaction.
SO, WHAT IS PERFORMATIVE SEX?
To quote sex therapist Kassandra Mourikis: “Performative sex is goal-orientated sex that closely follows a script…[where] you feel like you have to act out or follow predefined roles.” In this all too common way of having sex, it becomes impossible to be mindful and in the moment, let alone to receive pleasure.
In this article I’ve set about debunking some of the aesthetic and performative ideas we are taught in porn, before offering some healthy ways to be performative.
1) The designer vagina
A trend popularized by The Kardashians, who have openly boasted about getting laser vaginal rejuvenation. This kind of female genitalia is characterised by having ‘tucked in’ labia minora and is commonly seen in porn. For those who don’t naturally have these — aka most of us — it can be achieved through labiaplasty. Its surgical cousin, the Vaginoplasty, is often done to increase tightness to heighten sexual pleasure.
Spoiler: there isn’t any real evidence that it works. Contrary to what porn will have you believe, no vulva looks the same, nor is one more desirable than another. Google Jamie McCartney´s Great Wall of Vagina to see the breadth of variation for yourself.
2) The pornstar penis
For anyone with a penis, it is absolutely not expected of you to be able to stay hard for 40-minute marathon sessions, nor does the motto “the bigger the better” apply to your dick. For most, it is the motion of the ocean and not the size of the boat.
3) Body hair
This one is a big irk for me since I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard both men and women slagging this off. I remember in high school when T.I released a song titled No Mediocre (ironic, since his music is), in which he states: “you won’t get no dick if there’s a bush down there.”
Despite this damning sentiment, it’s no one’s choice but your own on how to groom your body hair. If your sexual partner or anyone else has an issue with that, they can reflect on their socially conditioned preferences once you’ve safely yeeted them.
Hair is natural, normal and beautiful! It also wouldn’t grow at puberty if it wasn’t functional. So, by all means, maintain (or don’t) your nether regions as you see fit. Just know that the Brazilians sported in porn are merely an aesthetic intended to let the audience see the sex itself more clearly.
4) The easy-orgasm
Only 18% of women report orgasming from intercourse alone, according to a 2015 internet-based survey published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Know that an orgasm shouldn’t be the end goal of a shag for either participant.
So, next time some sweaty male assumes that “you came right?”, for God’s sake, don’t lie. It’s misleading for your partner, but most of all, it does you a disservice. Picture this: you’re having sex with your partner, fuckbuddy, whoever — in a position that isn’t doing it for you, so you decide to fake an orgasm to get things over with.
Next time you’re fucking, lo and behold, they go straight for that position you ‘loved so much’, and you’re stuck in an endless, hellish loop of mediocre sex. All this could be avoided by showing your enjoyment WHEN YOU ENJOY IT. More on this later.
5) Kinks
Hardcore porn has progressively brought more extreme kinks and ways of having sex into the mainstream. I have heard from several people that ‘BDSM is the new vanilla’. Aside from my issues with the term vanilla, which is shaming in itself, BDSM is absolutely not the new normal.
You are not expected to tie up, spank or choke your partner, nor to want to be on the receiving end of these actions. Be sure to discuss with new and existing partners what your interests/kinks are, and to continue this open discourse as you grow comfortable with trying new things. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: communication and consent make for great sex!
Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy as simply ‘stopping’ being performative in the bedroom. Practising mindfulness can help big-time. According to researchers Jackson and Scott, “performative sex involves the body being objectified and used as a tool by the objectifier, but authentic sex involves the ‘experiencing body’, where the body is open to receiving all kinds of stimulation and sensory pleasure.”
PERFORMATIVE SEX ISN’T ALL BAD
The idea of ‘performing’ can be exciting and empowering: think roleplay, embodying an alter ego, and exploring different power dynamics in the bedroom. If you’re generally fairly submissive, try being more dominant, and so on. It might feel performative initially, but it opens up the potential to discover new ways of enjoying sex.
Moreover, a bit of acting can actually help you out in lieu of verbally stating what you want. Sometimes gritting out “left, left, up a bit, right — THERE” can be a bit of a mood killer. Try exaggerating your positive responses a little when they do something you like to give your sexual partner some implicit direction.
Ultimately, we have to unlearn societal and media-induced lessons that encourage the kind of performative sex that separates us from true sexual satisfaction. In short: accept that you are worthy and deserving of pleasure, and make your pleasure your priority. And when you do ‘take the stage’, do it authentically.
WANT TO KNOW MORE?
Pleasure principle: separating performative sex from the real deal
Caroline West/ Irish Examiner — here.
How to break the habit of performative sex Kellie Scott/ ABC Everyday — here.
