The Penetrating Inside Story: Close Encounters of the Kinky Kind

First of all, what is a sex party anyway?

Person A: I mean any party could have sex involved in it and it wouldn’t be classified as a sex party. I guess it has to be out in the open and everyone going has to know and be ok with it happening there. Orgies feel more like people all going and having sex, whereas a sex party is a party where sex happens.

Person B: A party is a gathering of like-minded people, and for me it would be free, whereas an orgy can be paid for, and I guess you can get tickets to a play party, I guess? When you have a bunch of mates in the same room, when does that become an orgy, when does it become a sex party?

What are some experiences you’ve had in group sex or sex parties?

Person A: I always knew I was a very sex-curious person, and I just like to… get weird [we laugh]. I saw sex as an opportunity to yeah, like, get weird. I think I definitely wanna experience more, even though it hasn’t always been super great, I’ve definitely had experiences that have been very freeing and fun. I went through a very wild and experimental phase a while ago. Partially because i was curious and wanted to explore more kinky sex, my own relationship with power and what i like or dislike, partially becaus emy closest friends at the time were all in their “hoe phase” and i decided i was too. I’m not sure exactly why I don’t do it as much anymore, but I guess the people I used to do that with are all like in relationships now, and also may have gotten a bit freaked out by the things we experienced together too… I really enjoyed myself, but since it was a situation of my whole friend group doing it together, in a way it felt competitive at times. It would be four of us in a space hooking up with people, and afterwards talking about our experiences: it would be like “I did something crazy!” “Well I did something CRAZIER!” some of us even started keeping a list of nationalities we fucked, I think that was funny! [we laugh]

Person B: I had a squat in England for a few months several years ago, it was on the waterfront and had these huge windows on the end that looked over the river where you could see the train station. So there’s HUNDREDS of people walking on that street, but no one looked up, and no one could see in, really. We used that to our advantage with one girl who’s an exhibitionist, and I fucked her pressed against the window. That was a fun interaction. That doesn’t really fit the whole “sex party” thing, but that’s kind of how I got into it, because the squat became a place to express myself sexually. I think it was after that that I started taking people there from nightclubs, cause it was quite a convenient place to do so. 

At one point friends and I went up to the squat and caught someone there watching group sex porn, which stirred conversation about group sex. We were smoking joints and went onto the roof… I think the sun was setting. There were about 3 or 4 of us, and the conversation went from there: we were all talking about how we kinda wanted to experience that sort of sex. We went back in, and well, it was a pretty tame thing. Basically there were a couple people swapping between (sex) stations. It didn’t last very long… we just sort of went until we were satisfied. After that, it kind of became a thing that was accepted, that this sort of thing would happen in that space. It felt like a really safe space to explore that side of us, and we weren’t too adventurous as we were young.

What have been some of your experiences in Amsterdam with sex parties?

Person A: The first time I went to Paradise was a very intense first experience. I had been in sexually open environments before, but I had never been to a sex club. That was like, ok, we’re here, we’re having sex on a stage! It was a really weird environment though. We entered the club and we were pretty much the only femme people we could see. We saw more women but it was mostly couples in their 50s, 60s, 70s even, and a bunch of horny younger men. It was definitely kind of out of my comfort zone. The second time was even weirder, because men bought my friend and I drinks and it felt like they sort of expected us to have sex with them, which led to us getting gangbanged by a bunch of guys. But it was definitely validating… like, everyone in that club WANTED to fuck me [she laughs]. The few times I’ve been to Club Church have been amazing though. It is so nice to be in a queer space and connect with people as this different “version” of myself. That period of my life was definitely kind of self-destructive in a way… but I don’t look back on it thinking “oh god, what did I DO,” it was just, y’know, an experience. 

Person B: The kind of space like the squat hasn’t really been replicated, and I think a big problem was COVID… so after the squat got shut down, I was mostly just a fuckboy fucking individual people. And then I moved over here and didn’t really feel the drive to have orgies with the students I lived around. I felt quite comfortable having had that experience and didn’t feel the need to make a new group here.

Besides that, I have had some experiences here and there. During COVID, I went back to England to live in a student city, and there my then-partner was interested in continuing a lifestyle of group sex. She got involved in a group of people there, and we went to a couple of their events together that ended up very wholesome and nice… and sexy [he laughs]. So my experience since COVID was mostly events where a large venue was hired, the smallest of which was 70 people and the largest was about 250. Those were mostly parties where people could go off and have sex or do kinky things.

How did you get comfortable in these situations?

Person A: Going to clubs has definitely helped me, but even though I have an open mindset I don’t always feel free during sex. I definitely still feel like, “uhhh this is weird, this is happening…” But I still have the approach of looking forward to exploring more and, getting weirder!

Person B: This is quite a common thing- I mean- well- men tend to not be able to get it up at orgies. This is just kind of a thing. Mostly because of nervousness and it being a new experience. So I think having the squat as a lead-up to sex parties was really helpful in terms of being comfortable, and being able to cross that boundary from a nervous scenario to a place where you can feel free to have sex.

I do still have anxieties, though I didn’t have as much before the aforementioned event with 250 people. I got there and, well, I walked in on a mess of entangled bodies, knowing full well I would soon join them. I’m in the orgy tent, eventually in a pile of people on this midsummer night, TONGUE deep in someone… and I just hear in the background, behind the moans and music in the distance, your ex just discussing finance with someone. It was like a spaghetti stick in a rainstorm.

Any advice for new sex party-goers or people interested?

Person A: I would say: always listen to that little voice in you that says “I feel comfortable” or “I don’t feel comfortable”, because you won’t have fun if you do something just because your friends are doing it or someone wants you to do it. It’s not weird to say, “Hey, actually I don’t wanna fuck you right now!” or “Yeah I wanna leave!”

Person B: Don’t give up after the first one. The first few are gonna be weird. It’s a strange, new experience and a very different way of interacting sexually with people. Make sure you pay attention to cues in these situations: it’s very different than in a nightclub where, theoretically, you are chasing one person and they are chasing you, vs. a sex party where most people are chasing each other. You’ve gotta really pick up on when it’s ok not to continue, so if you have any doubts, just stop. Be a decent person. Just because they are at an orgy, doesn’t mean they consent to having sex with you.